Maybe I need to learn to be independent, because I feel  lonely all time despite the hustle and bustle around. It's nothing like having high expectations, really, because I don't even know what there is to expect besides something that'll keep me happy inside. Not just the comforts of someone's embrace, or security, or a stable life interspersed with exciting moments, but true connection. I wouldn't say it's magical - just coincidence that two people, friends or lovers, like to talk/do the same things and are naturally interested in each others' views.

I'll be specific here though, since I just watched Before Sunset. The kind of love with hormones involved. People say, oh all these things are just romanticized, love is all about commitment. I do wonder if relationships coming from pure effort and intermittent love will last, not just on the surface and not something just satisfactory.

And what exactly is wrong with romanticising things anyway? Searching for it and not finding it is painful so we give up, maybe that's what.

And zooming in on marriage. Sometimes I think this whole "you must remind yourself to put in the effort because marriage is a commitment" thing is just a 'rule' to make sure people don't get divorced and kids don't suffer. It might not even be the truth.

Well firstly, if you're truly in love with each other, things will never end up in divorce even if you fight, because you know you need each other to feel fulfilled and satisfied. And if you actually end up with someone you don't love passionately enough, will putting in the effort make a difference when you know you both won't truly understand each other?

From a larger perspective it saves broken families, abandoned children, prevents social problems (and alot of other divorce/marriage related problems) - but the whole concept of love becomes so diluted. So you have a complete family. A roof over your heads and perhaps enough to provide your kids a good education (or anything that keeps them happy). You quarrel a little, you compromise, you are both loyal and committed, everything is comfortable.

But you still feel so lonely, because nothing that ever comes out of your mouths keeps your heart fulfilled. And your kids can sense it. Nobody will be able to know what love is, or even just to describe it, or know how to treat someone well.

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Then again, all such talk is useless. Sadly a lot of us will end up marrying for all reasons other than love, because not everyone's lucky enough to find someone to love. The lucky ones go through 50 years together like they were both young and in their 20s.

Other people get married, have kids. Love dies, they try to remember what it was like when they were both young and in love. We settle down for fear of a lonesome life. Sure, we can grow fond of someone we want to take care of (and vice versa), someone who will be the other parent of your child, feel satisfied with that life - but that might be satisfaction and not love.

I know they say, "life is all about being satisfied with what you have". but.. I guess I'm still young and can afford to dream for a little while more. And if reality hits and I can't find anyone I know how to love properly, then I shall "resign to fate" and live with another body, not a soul. (and perhaps learn how to love a child properly instead).

Think people do tell me I'm idealistic and pessimistic at the same time. Fatal combination.